Chainsaw Tip to Boost Your Manhood

Tree

A couple of weeks ago, after a tree had fallen during a storm, I was out cutting it up and managed to saw right into the ground. Which, for those who haven’t experienced this, literally instantly dulls your chain into a strand of useless metal that couldn’t cut through a tomato plant. It’s pathetic.

Well, Sunday we had a tree we needed to cut down to make room for our upcoming garden overhaul and so I needed to put on a new chain. After multiple trips to Lowe’s, thanks to my inability to actually purchase the right thing, I finally get the new razor-sharp, wood munching chain on. I crank it up while making my best Paul Bunyan face, rev it up a few times to make sure the neighbors know who’s boss, and put the teeth of the beast right up against the trunk and lean in to it. And. Nothing.

At best, the tree just giggled at me because the most the chain did was tickle its bark. Seriously. Hardly a scratch. Manhood: deflated.

I went back to the garage, took the chain off and as soon as I put on my detective monocle I realized the problem! I had the chain on backwards, meaning it was just the backside of the “teeth” that were trying to pummel the tree into submission. Who knew you could put a chain on backwards? Clearly not me. I’ve changed the chain on this thing multiple times, but apparently I was just lucky putting it on correctly the other times.

So…if you find yourself stumped about why a fresh chain won’t cut through that innocent tree like butter…try turning it around.

After that little fix, I got so chainsaw happy I ended up cutting down four trees instead of one. Manhood: replenished.